forever till forever meets no end

Saturday, May 26, 2007 @4:56 PM

my holidays aren't gonna be holidays at all. training, training and more training. i'm not gonna complain now. i know i need it. i just hope it pays off at the end of competition. i want so much to walk off the mat with no regrets. i want to see a score on that score board which i will be pleased, happy and proud of. i waht to reach my almost impossible goal of doing almost as well as pauline or at least gladys who did equally well. all for the sake of that, i know i will have to make sacrifices and be prepared to work freaking hard.

but somehow at the back of my head, there is this confidence i am lacking and i know i will always be lacking no matter how well i am prepared ,which i am not at the moment. i have this damn bad feeling i won't be satisfied at the end of all this.

oh gosh. damn it i need to stop being such a pessimist and quit worrying. ok like telling myself that ever works. i'm worried my back will die on me and suddenly act up before competition or worse during holidays which will mean i won't be able to train my hardest. i worried i will totally blunder up on that day because i am too nervous. i am worried i will give up halfway through training which has happened many times before. but i know that i can't afford to slack during this period, even when i am just too tired. i am worried about the trainings i will be missing while i am in bintan and church camp. every training means another chance to improve and do even better.

oh damn it i should just stop doing this.
someone shoot me.

i want all this to end soon.